Guest Blog: Too Bad It Wasn’t a Man in a Costume

I know you all thought Ted abandoned us, but he didn’t! In fact, the old gang — Ted, Natalie, and Reagan — are all coming out here to Tejas in April for some real culture! I’m so excited! Anyway, Ted has been kind enough to provide us all with a guest blog today, and there’s not much better than a Ted rant, trust me, so enjoy!

I grew up in a pretty rough neighborhood. Mutton Hollow Road. Kaysville, Utah. K-Town. My hood was a middle class suburban jungle. It was hard out there for a pimp. You had to get yours. Wasn’t nobody gonna give you nothin’ for free.

Sometimes we had to do some pretty desperate things to survive. At age 7 I began my life of crime. The posse and I would walk down to our local drugstore and while one of us distracted the sales clerk the others would fill their pockets with baseball cards, candy, disappearing ink, you know, whatever we could fence on the streets. It was nothing personal. It was survival. What are you gonna do?

You feel bad at first, taking what isn’t yours. I even remember hearing a talk in church the week before where the Sunday School teacher told of a time he stole some candy from the store, took his first bite and it didn’t taste very sweet because of his guilty conscious. I remembered that story the first time I stole some Skittles. I was expecting them to taste like poop. But when I put the first handful in my mouth they had the same sweet taste they always did. In fact, they were better. They were free.

But it all ended when I hastily stole some beef jerky in an attempt to shut my dog up. Frosty had followed us to the store and sat outside the door barking. I panicked. We got busted.

It was a good thing my dad knew the owner. That was probably the only thing that saved me from the Po-Po…well, that and my seven years of age. I avoided jail, but never forgave Frosty.

I tell you that story to tell you this one…

Like I said, I grew up in a rough neighborhood. You had to be tough. The older teenagers were always testing our toughness. Usually it consisted of making us fight on the trampoline until one of us drew blood or shooting bottle rockets or walnuts from a slingshot at us and laughing as we dove for cover behind cars and such.

But when I was 8 yrs old they went too far…and I was never the same. One of their group members had a full-body gorilla costume so they decided to build a cage with some wooden crates, tie-up the ‘gorilla’ inside, and then round up every kid in the neighborhood and see who would cry the hardest. I won. I don’t think I stopped crying all night. It is one of the most vivid memories of my childhood.

So when I read about the recent mauling of a Connecticut woman by Travis the 200 pound chimpanzee, it made me sick. This wasn’t a malicious teenager trying to make kids cry. This was an irresponsible and selfish owner who negligently placed her friend and neighbors in danger by keeping an unpredictable, wild animal in her home.

According to reports the owner, a lonely widow, treated Travis as a human. They slept in the same bed, ate the same food at the dinner table and even bathed together. It is also possible that she gave the chimp Xanax soon before the attack because he was agitated and she thought it would calm him. The owner at first admitted to that fact but then later hedged and denied giving Travis drugs once she realized she could be facing criminal charges. It seems to me her perception of reality had been blurred by the need to fill her loneliness with companionship. And that selfishness could have cost her human friend her life.

The question I raise is why in the hell is someone allowed to keep such a wild and unpredictable animal in their home and near neighbors? It doesn’t seem that Connecticut law forbade the owner from keeping Travis. She may have failed to register him and may not have conformed to certain criteria but how is it that there is even the possibility of keeping such animals in close proximity to people?

The owner knew what the chimp was capable of. Keeping such an animal was beyond negligent. It was irresponsible and selfish. It should be criminal.

And now to take it a step further…my annoyance with certain overzealous pet owners.

I have no problem with people having pets. The idea of having a pet is great. Faithful companion. Instant and life-long friendship. Protector. Play companion.

However, pet owners need to realize not everyone loves their pets like they do. Some of us are allergic to cats and still believe that they are secretly scheming to take over the world. And some of us have a phobia about dogs. For example, I lived two years of my life in Mexico and was surrounded by hairless, diseased, and neglected dogs. That was eight years ago and it is still extremely difficult for me to pet, touch, or even sit on furniture covered with dog hair.

So you may think it is cute to bring your dog to work in a little sweater or let him ‘play’ with someone by jumping and drooling all over them, but I think it is rude and inconsiderate. Sure, that pet may be part of your family, but I’m sure if your mom or brother started licking and jumping on a complete stranger you would try to restrain them in some way. It should be the same for your pets.

Maybe I still blame Frosty from ruining my chance at becoming a made man in my tough neighborhood. Maybe all those sleepless nights thinking of the caged gorilla left me slightly biased and jaded. But if you can find an animal in a zoo, it probably shouldn’t be allowed in your home. And if your dog can’t keep its paws to itself, it probably shouldn’t be off the leash.

(So in honor of Bob Barker and the Price is Right…please remember to spay and neuter your cats…all of them.)