I Blame It On The 6 Hours of 24 We Watched Yesterday

At about 6:00 last night, I absolutely could not keep my eyes open for a second longer, so I lied down on the couch and within seconds was fast asleep. I woke up 3 hours later, which meant, of course, that when I tried to go to bed at 11:00, it just wasn’t happening. Instead, I lied in bed until 3:30 AM, worrying.

I normally don’t consider myself much of a worrier, but last night I worried about anything and everything there was to worry about, beginning with the concerns of bringing a human being into this world, about how I would be responsible for this child’s life — mentally, spiritually, and physically. It was the ‘physically’ part that worried me the most last night, all the ‘what-ifs’ going through my head — what if there’s a home invasion, what if there’s a terrorist attack, what if there’s a natural disaster, what if there’s an epidemic that causes us to run out of food or water.

Then, of course, all I could think about was the fact that up to this point I have been a complete failure in preparing for an emergency. I worried about everything that I don’t know because I haven’t spent my time and energy learning about it — food storage, emergency kits, cooking, sewing, finances, you name it. I thought about everyone else I know who knows so much more about it than I know and how behind I am.

I got mad at myself for all the useless small stuff I spend money on while worrying about not having enough money for the important things, about how I can justify spending money on this or that but feel too poor to spend on things like healthy food and food storage. I felt embarrassed and responsible for how unprepared we are, and I felt a renewed energy to do something about it, to start at the beginning and work up to everything that intimidates me, to use this time I have more effectually and learn about the things I feel ignorant about.

And yet, I still worry….