In Light Of Valentine’s Day

It’s been a long time since I read an article that made me think to myself multiple times, Omigosh, everyone must read this! But that’s exactly what this blog post made me do: The Difference Between Love and Infatuation, about Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book Committed. I think this is a topic that everyone knows plenty about logically but difficult to get intelligent people to remember once they fall under ‘the spell’ of infatuation.

It is a MUST READ, especially if you’re single. Actually, I take that back. It’s a must read for everyone. Extramarital affairs do happen, after all, and probably mostly in this intoxicating state of being ‘in love’ which often isn’t actually love in the first place. So read it! I actually would be interested in reading the book too.

Unfortunately, while most of us know this stuff logically, most of us also learn it first hand, and painfully so. I know as I was reading this blog post, I practically found myself nodding along emphatically and going, yep, that sounds familiar, so does that, oh, and so does that.

Knowing it logically and making a rule for myself to date someone at least a year before marrying them, enough time to hopefully get through the fog and make sure that the love is really love and not just hormones or chemicals or stupidity, has made a huge difference in my life.

I’m not saying that rule is always right for everyone or that it’s fool-proof (I think it’s easy to get trapped in bad relationships out of comfort too), but I think time is a big key. You need time to get to know someone after the sensational excitement of being infatuated wears off a little. You need to have time to see the red flags if they’re there and get back in control of your emotions in order to make wise decisions about your future.

I unfortunately know from personal experience, and when I look back on Potential Train Wrecks 1, 2, and 3, I thank my lucky stars that nothing life-changing or permanent happened during those relationships. Getting distance, looking back, and realizing how close I came to disaster still makes my hands shake a little.

Almost worse than going through it yourself though and realizing how close you came to train-wrecking your life (if you’re lucky enough to make it out before the train wreck, that is) is watching someone else who’s going through it and being unable to get through to them through the infatuation fog. It’s so hard being on the outside looking in, especially if they do let things get too far only to start seeing their lives blowing up in their faces because they ignored huge red flags in the name of being ‘in love’.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the blog post and some from the book that were quoted in the blog post.

Reading it, I learned that the brain scans and mood swings of a cocaine addict are startlingly similar to those of an infatuated lover. Yes, infatuation is an addiction complete with chemical effects on the brain, measurable by scientists.

And just like a junkie, an infatuated person is blind to their future welfare. Physical and emotional risks? No problem. Whatever it takes. Love is the drug and they need some more.

The problem is that infatuation is often a crock. A mirage. “A trick of the endocrine system,” according to Gilbert who points out infatuation isn’t the same thing as love, “it’s more like love’s shady second cousin who’s always borrowing money and can’t hold down a job.”

That’s because in those early days, what you’re actually entranced with is the reflection of yourself in the eyes of someone who wants to sleep with you. It’s like two blank pages dazzling each other with potential. Only later do you notice all the fine print. Which is a major bummer if you are already pregnant or have matching tattoos.

I love that part about being entranced with your own reflection in their eyes. It’s so true. You’re in love with feeling special. That’s really what it comes down to.

The other problem with infatuation is speed. Generally, relationships that start fast also end fast. I’ve learned this the hard way and watched it happen to others predictably often. Some men have a particular tendency to hit the accelerator early, give themselves whiplash and then fling open the door so they can bolt from the moving vehicle. Neck braces all around.

“Research has also shown that people are far more susceptible to infatuation when they are going through delicate or vulnerable times in their lives,” writes Gilbert. “The more unsettled and unbalanced we feel, the more quickly and recklessly we are likely to fall in love.”

Similarly, if you’re going through a rough patch due to illness, relationship problems, work stress or anything else that throws you off balance, you’re particularly vulnerable to infatuation.

Oh, it’s sad how well these quotes sum up my adolescence.

It may also explain the odd dodgy relationship in your past. You know, the one you look back on and wonder ‘WTF was I thinking?’ Chances are you weren’t. You were just infatuated.

To end on a happy note, though, I’m so grateful that I found Justin and that we were smart about our relationship, that we have always had that balance between emotion and logic. I’m glad we stuck to our rule about dating a year and that we really knew each other by the time we decided to get married. There were no surprises, no disappointments. And even now, we marvel at how compatible we are and how lucky we are to have such a strong, stable relationship.

It’s precisely this blissful happiness, this real love I’ve found that makes me so anxious and relieved when I think back and realize how my life could have turned out instead had I gotten trapped in a bad relationship under the guise of being ‘in love’.

Thoughts?